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you know, of all the papers and stories i wrote while i was in school, i dont remember much praise. the occasional "good job" or "i liked this part" may have slipped past but really, no teacher, friends or parents were ever overheard at dinner parties making much of a fuss over "that talented little writer, chris."
(probably because of sick run-on sentences like that)
i didnt mind though. maybe if i was trying and still hacked out white turds on paper MAYBE i would have cared but it was all met with the same casual indifference as when someone says, "holy shit, you really cant draw, can you?" and thats fine too. some people have it, some dont. some people are born with a natural ability to sing perfectly on key or draw an amazing frog or hit a home run... all while still in their single digits. i wont pretend to know why. maybe nature, maybe nurture, maybe they have abnormally large craniums. but what i DO know is that most of us are NOT born like that. so then why is there so much amazing art in the world?
perseverance.
i used to work at a pizza place as a dough roller. almost getting my fingers stuck in the old 1940's era cast iron machine for $4.50 an hour was almost worth the free pizza i devoured at the end of the night. i worked with this guy who was older. nice guy, big smile, huge muscles but really slow. like, legitimately had a learning disorder. but somehow, despite having trouble comprehending he still managed to graduate college. it took him more than 8 years but he graduated simply because he never gave up. failing the same class three times in a row and he still wasnt discouraged. back then, i mocked him behind his back but now, i can see just how strong he truly was. i couldnt put things in perspective from my little suburban mentality of entitlement. i was born with something he wasnt and i mocked him for not being up to my standards. but in retrospect, i wish i had his heart. his desire. his unbreakable spirit.
i wasnt born with money. i wasnt born ridiculously attractive. i wasnt born with an amazing body. but the few talents that i felt were actually nurtured were the abilities of charm and manipulation. strangely enough, by my father.
i spend so much time trying to run away from the legacy of my father and it wasnt until recently that i have chosen to salvage the few decent traits he instilled within me and make them my own. charm isnt always a positive thing and manipulation isnt always negative. its how you wield these talents, or any talents, that demonstrate your character.
while i was just taking a piss (in the toilet) i came to this realization; very few of us are born with natural talent. and while i would never call myself a "good" writer, i would say that i am evolving at being effective. and im sure some of you have your little talents. whether it is calculating numbers, making others feel comfortable, braiding your hair, baking a cake, jumping off bridges, organizing files, taking pictures, planting seeds, teaching others, or eating hot dogs, you absolutely must embrace that talent and nurture it in the best way possible.
maybe you will become successful, maybe not.
maybe you will have the ability to live off your talents, maybe not.
maybe you will feel embarrassed, maybe not.
maybe people will tell you that you're no good, irresponsible and unrealistic.
but who cares.
what the haters fail to realize that its not about being good.
its about WANTING to be good.
what the detractors and critics, unsupportive friends and anonymous commentors will never realize is that we have found something that makes our lives shine. that there is something we were born with that withers away and dies and leaves us old and rusted if it is not constantly watered from time to time with the creative spirit. that we may not have been born pretty or talented and sheltered from so many of lifes speedbumps by the fruits of our parents successes but that at the end of the day, we still paint.
we write.
we listen.
we help.
we hug.
and most of all, we create.
we give back to this world. a world where most people take and act like they deserve more.
and the only reason why i live like my glass is half-full, is because i know there are people reading these words who have hearts in the same place as mine.
so i want to say thank you to all of you who havent given in, thrown in the towel and said that life is good enough. its not about singing on key or painting within the lines or being office manager. its about the want, no... its about the NEED to produce and create instead of harvesting and compromising.
thank you for making my world a little prettier.
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contemplative
devious
giddy